Tonight?!

man ordering from menu

"Yeah, I'll have the blonde with a side of cluelessness and you can leave off the tude"

What ever happened to the 3-day rule? Online dating has changed so many aspects of dating today. But is it too much to ask for some things to stay the same? Like maybe after initial contact online you schedule a couple of days in the future on which to meet. About.com covers dating etiquette nicely.  Topdatingtips.com does a really good job at covering some basic if not essential dating rules. And I think this one is covered in not so many words.

Today it seems that if you establish a connection online, many members want to meet in the next couple of hours. “What?! You want to meet tonight?! How about in a day or two (when I have had the chance to run your information though CODIS).” “No? You’ll be out of town for the next week and you just have to meet me now?!” Well if you are interested enough to write me a note (assuming you have read my profile), can’t it wait until you get back from your, um, trip?

How about this: I will meet you for coffee next Saturday when we have both had a chance to catch our breath from this present exchange. Because something is fishy if right now is the only time you can meet me.

What’s this ladies and gentlemen of the online dating world? Is it a contest to see how quickly one can turn a wink into a date? Because this happens to me all the time. Online dating is not a date menu! And I am not your dish for the evening. When I say my final, “no”, that I am busy TONIGHT and suggest a time in the near future that is less spontaneous, I never hear from the person again.

What was the point of this connection? Are men online just for the purpose of getting a date that evening? If so, that is another dating service altogether.  I think it’s a lot more expensive and I am not so sure it’s legal.

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2 Comments by The Online Dater on July 5, 2010
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Nobody.

Hours of seemingly endless conversation and reams of 0’s and 1’s later – you don’t know who a person is or if they are even real until you meet them in the flesh. And even then it’s up for debate.

“Email me at this address instead”
No. Meet me in person and lets have a cup of coffee. Existing in the same 4 dimensions as I do is important. That tells me way more that you can in an email, even if you are mute. It also tells me you might live in the same hemisphere or are available to meet at the very least. But I am not online to “build” a fake relationship filled with hours of witty banter complete with facts and quips that you have copied and pasted from Google.

Why would someone bother to build a fake relationship with you? Lets see, so that – they can ask for money for an urgent operation that their little sister needs or to help them get out of Southeast Asia as they have just been robbed of all their money and can’t find a way home.

People have needs. They want to be loved and excited about a new love and all of its potential. And there are people out there willing and capable to exploit these needs for, usually, money.

Paranoid? No, the above is a true story. So, if you have no body – you are nobody.

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1 Comment by The Online Dater on May 27, 2010
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A nice guy.

While looking at profiles of potential suitors – I try to glean from the, sometimes limited, information whether a man wants a date or a monogamous relationship. For me the latter is the goal. I hate to say that I am husband hunting – but I am. So it is good to get the players out of the way from the start.

I did find a great guy – smart, fun, witty, charming. He states in his profile that he would be willing to expand his family if he found the right person. So here we are dating, and I am trying to see if this could be THE guy. But then again maybe not – we date sporadically – as he is very busy. I would like to believe he’s busy with his children or work or whatever… NOT that he’s dating other woman. But he is. And now he has found someone—else.

The crappy thing is that when you want to find a nice man – sometimes you do. And he’s nice enough to call and –very politely– tell you that while he thinks you’re great, he can’t see you anymore because of a new relationship. And he is so nice about it, that it’s twice as hard to hate him.

It’s bad enough that he hadn’t contacted me in two weeks but when he finally did it was to tell me that he wants a serious relationship – with someone else.  HOW POLITE. Thanks for keeping me in the loop.

But no contact in two weeks kinda says it all don’t ya think? So why call and punctuate the rejection? At this, I say, manners are charming but I would rather have you be the bastard that my girlfriends and I are going to make you out to be at our next outing.

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4 Comments by The Online Dater on April 11, 2010
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Of Mice and Men

For the most part men really do lie on their profile about wanting to have kids. It took me a couple dates to realize kids were nowhere in the picture, regardless of what they had written in their profile.

One guy, who wasn’t going to be able to live with the guilt for very long, had to level with me early on. “Look,” he says, “we are having a really good time, right? And I think that we like the same things and have good conversation, but I really don’t want to have kids. I know I indicated that I did in my profile but I really just wanted to share the rest of my life with a nice woman without the interruption of children”.

Um, no, you indicated that you would be willing to have children because you are not going to get a date with any woman younger than your mother if you do not lie about THAT ONE THING.

Now for the men who already have children – they ignore the fact that a woman might like to have children of her own, period, let alone have family around if by chance the woman outlives the man …which almost never happens…

So, go ahead, think that once we meet I’ll be SO enamored with the memory our childless life together, that it will carry me though my nineties. I will know in my heart that was the reason I wanted to go online and meet stranger after stranger and answer those meaningless little questions of whether I want a family to NOT find what I want with you.

I did, however, meet a man who really wanted to have kids – he even tried adoption (it did not go over very well at the adoption center – a single man looking to adopt children with no woman in sight) I felt for him and his sensitive side. Claiming to have great genes, he often wished he was more active in the arts and that he would like to nurture that creative side in his offspring. He explains, though, he wouldn’t regret NOT having a wife. But if he never had kids he would have felt he had truly missed something.

At that point I felt like I was at an audition for the role of incubator. Glad I didn’t get the part because once I get those little darlings through kindergarten my friends might be watching the story of my demise on Forensic Files.

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1 Comment by The Online Dater on March 30, 2010
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A Word About Pictures

His picture was worth 387 words…

Posting your picture to an online dating site should be mandatory – the reasons are obvious to most members. However, some feel they have fulfilled this requirement by posting, say, ANY picture of themselves.

The importance of a profile picture is to represent you. It means that when I meet you – I sorta know it’s you. Posting a picture of a group of men at a wedding and assuming will be able to pick you out is not great for identification. Providing an image of yourself where you’re the dot in the middle of the picture doesn’t tell me much either. I am sure the Grand Canyon was a great vacation but I have a feeling it won’t always be a backdrop that will follow you. I have been to the Grand Canyon I know what it looks like (and the Eiffel Tower and the Parthenon). You can tell me about your travels in an email, on your profile or on our date but first I would like to see what YOU look like.

Timely representations are helpful too. For example, a picture of you, 40 lbs lighter than you are now or 20 YEARS AGO doesn’t really do any good either.

Like height, age isn’t a deal maker or breaker either for me, as a matter of fact — a recent ex-boyfriend of mine is 17 year older than I. But when I am expecting a man of 46 to show up and in walks his father — we have a problem. I was on such a date. Seriously, for more than a minute I didn’t know who I was on a date with. I didn’t recognize him as the man in his profile picture at all.

Look, I am not happy about NOT being the age of the youthful, vibrant person I know is inside me either. But I look like the picture I posted. Besides how would he have felt if I were 20 years older than the picture I had posted?

So if you want to piss your date off (man or woman) and maybe scare them a little, post a picture that looks nothing like you today. Not only will you insure there will be no second date – you probably won’t make it through the first.

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2 Comments by The Online Dater on March 22, 2010
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Five-eight


How tall is 5’8″?
Well I’ll tell you. For a man looking for a mate online in 2010, 5′ 8″ is anywhere from 5′ 2″ to 5′ 6″. And, if they’ve been creative with the dimension of height, be quite sure they will have taken liberties with other parts of their profile.

Now Trending: Men who advertise themselves as 5′ 7″, actually ARE 5′ 7″. Why? What man would lie about being 5’7″? Evidently a lot of women pay attention to those numbers and men know this. So, on height, any man UNDER the illusive 5’8″ tall WILL put 5’8” as their height, even if they are –oh lets say- 5′ 2″.

Such a man did – and I had a date with the top of his head. I am almost 5′ 5″ I think I would notice the three inches gone if I were looking into the eyes of a man my height, let alone the top of the head of a man 3 inches shorter than I. How annoying. Not that he was shorter than I. Not even that he was short! It took me about 15 minutes to stop trying to figure out what made him think this lie was acceptable and continue on our date like I didn’t notice. It’s borderline rude for him to have expected me to ignore his failed plan of deception.

I know it may sound like it’s all about height here but I gotta tell ya – SIX INCHES IS HALF OF A FOOT. And if you think for a moment that getting your half-foot in the door is more important than putting your true self out there—it’s not your height that’s your problem.

I know it’s tough out there but a lot of women, like myself, really don’t care that much about height. My father is 5′ 6″ and his wife is 5′ 11″ and they have been happily married for 26 years. I am not unaware that women, too, find themselves embellishing their profiles about weight, age, and, well, a myriad of other things, just to get their foot, ass and lack of self-esteem in the door.

People worry so much about these little things that they create, either, the profile of a person that doesn’t exist or one of a person who’s shoes they will never be able to fill. What’s more, had my date been honest about his height or at least not as generous with his numbers, I might not have worn heels.

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10 Comments by The Online Dater on March 15, 2010
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Say cheese, PLEASE!

Not posting a profile picture is worth a thousand words.

Not posting a picture on your profile? You might as well place a personal ad in the Post. Seriously, unless you’re ONLY looking at other profiles without pictures, your picture is mandatory. You don’t know how many solicitations I get from members without profile pictures. It says clearly in my profile to have a recent picture posted or I will not respond. Even if I were blind I’d want there to be a picture on your profile. Who, in this digital age, where taking a picture is easier than opening a can of tuna, thinks they can get away with NOT posting a picture? Here are a few reasons that come to mind:

-You can’t figure out how to use your camera

-You can use your camera but don’t know how to upload your picture

-You’re married and using online dating to cheat

-You don’t like the way you look

-You know what others want – it is not important they see pictures of you so they might judge for themselves.

-You’re married and using online dating to cheat

-You think you’re special and it’s fine to search though everyone else’s photo’s (cuz that’s all YOU’RE looking at) until you find the one you want risk free then have the balls to have your target ask you for your photo.

-You’re married and using online dating to cheat

Hm. If even ONE of those is true you’re out.

Pictures are valuable records of who you are, not just what you look like. They give the world possible insight into your demeanor or how you might, let’s say, smile. A picture can reveal details like piercings or tattoos, what kind of jewelry you like, how you wear your hair or more broad details of your personal style, your flavor—if you will, a glimpse into your world and/or what you accept as an honest representation of yourself. Lastly, (though it’s not definitive) it is more proof that you are who you say you are. And, if you don’t like your world enough to share it in a picture, who would want to share it with you in real life?

I realize that there could be valid and compelling reasons why one might not want their picture posted. Some valid reasons, I would think, are:

-you don’t want your ex to see you

-kids to see you

-boss to see you

-colleagues to see you

-you’re in witness protection

At the very least, mention it in your profile, with some sort of reason that doesn’t give you away to the aforementioned and also doesn’t make your target think you are nothing but a voyeur.

But, for the most part, people who do not post a picture on their profile refrain from doing so because they are partaking in some sort of deception. I just assume you are married and using online dating to cheat. AND SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE. Trust me guys, this move is not as clever as you think. So post your bloody picture or stick to your secretary.

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3 Comments by The Online Dater on March 12, 2010
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Can we talk?

Hours of, seemingly, endless conversation later – you still don’t know who a person is until you meet them.

“Here’s my number”

Since I have been online, certain men who find my profile interesting seem to want to talk incessantly on the phone. Don’t you want to meet me? Isn’t that the purpose of an online dating site – so that you can actually do away with the devices and actually have real, live interaction? Apparently not. I am not online to have phone sex. And that’s all I’ll say about that.

One man insisted that if we don’t talk on the phone first we will not meet. I should have said “Fine” and kept my number to myself. But I thought it sounded reasonable so I gave him my number—he called me thirty seconds later—and he continued to call me twice a day until the date we eventually made. I felt I made the date just to get him to stop calling me. I haven’t wanted to have marathon conversations on the phone since I was sixteen. This gives me pause as I don’t remember endless banter being a trait of the male persuasion, unless he’s a salesman by trade, and he was. Once I met him, though, it became clear to me that I wasn’t going to want to be in a relationship with this guy. No big reason – just, no chemistry. He was the proverbial tall, dark and handsome. But again, no chemistry. Which is not always apparent over the phone but most definitely in person. So, all that talking, yet, I wasn’t sold.

I knew better. It’s a nice thing to give other people the benefit of the doubt, but it’s more important that you listen to your gut. Then there is no doubt.

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4 Comments by The Online Dater on March 9, 2010
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Got Milk?

I have to admit – I thought holding out until my forties was a total mistake (not that I really had much of a choice) until I realized that the online dating thing was becoming the mainstream. Unbelievable! The New York singles scene will be saved by the Internet – well at least its singles reputation would be. Or maybe. The jury is still out.

Meet-a-man-dot-com. Hell – meet a lot of very eligible, handsome and to-my-liking-men-dot-com!
I was let out of purgatory, tipped my hat to St. Peter and waltzed straight inside the pearly gates. I almost went as far as to thank my ex-fiancé for falling back in love with his ex-wife because, OMG, now my very demographic was available to date and right at my fingertips! And apparently (in Manhattan) right around the corner! I felt like I was in college again, and this time I knew the answers to all of the exams. Though there’s way less beer and pot, and other than feeling as if my body was wasted on my youth, my biggest asset — I’m smart and I kinda have a good head on my shoulders. That’s attractive right?

Looks good until you realize that it’s a man’s-dream-come-true-dot-com. And the women-hoping-to-finally-find-someone-and-settle-down’s worst nightmare, and it’s not apparent at first.

I am not saying that you’ll never find a man online who might want a monogamous relationship. But, online dating services have made it so damned easy for men to get a date these days ­­— they no longer feel they have to buy the cow just to have a little milk. So I do what I did when my mom would give me the old cow and milk song and dance. I defiantly continue on my quest to find the guy who loves milk and only wants it from this cow.

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2 Comments by The Online Dater on March 4, 2010
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boy, oh boy.

I have been on far too many dates that warrant comment. And if you have had similar experiences, you are welcome to share them here.

I had come to the online dating scene some years ago (2002). Dating for about two years, I found the experience less than fulfilling. But I have to hand it to all of us who set aside our skepticism and sometimes a bit of our pride and went on online to find love, companionship, or  even someone with whom to have a cup of coffee.

Eight years ago I was a woman in my mid thirties. A dater’s no-man’s-land—literally, especially in New York City. After two years of mediocre to rather awkward evenings, I realized that I was going to have to wait for all of the “good-ones” to get divorced. And when I say “I”, I mean “we”. And when I say “we”, I mean we single people—not just women. And not to say that I didn’t meet some really good, nice people. But it was tough. Really.

Our 40′s are our 20′s second chance. And here I am – in my parents’ middle age, at the dawn of a new technology searching for the oldest of treasures, love and companionship. And, if we don’t take ourselves too seriously, maybe we can manage to have some fun along the way. So, welcome to my page, one blog in a million, one date at a time.

I look forward to your feedback.

The Online Dater

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3 Comments by The Online Dater on January 4, 2010
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